Tuesday, 23 July 2013

How I so wanted to succeed this time round.

Well I am back, and my god did those two weeks go fast. My little Lily-Rose a whole two weeks old today and my partner now back at work after his paternity leave.

I just hope January doesn't arrive too fast, as lets when I go back to full time work.

I thought I'd start my first post back about breastfeeding. A topic that is one of the centres of a mothers first conquest when our babies are born. A quest that Midwives are so keen for us to do.

I tried to breastfeed my first little girl, but only succeed for two weeks and that was mainly though expressing with an electric pump. If I remember it was due to her not latching on very well.

So you can imagine, this time round I so wanted to succeed. Why? Not because I felt we as mother's are pressured into breastfeeding, and I am not stating that we are pressured into breastfeeding as I know friends of mine who haven't breastfeed from day one. I wanted to breastfeed because I wanted to. My own beliefs in motherhood wanted me to breastfeed as long as I can and this time I was dead certain I would go on longer.

That seems to be not the case.

In the hospital Lily feed well and even at home on the first day, feed well. Than engorgement settle in on day 2 which stopped Lily from latching on. So the pump came out. It took a good 3 days for the engorgement to go by than I seemed to got myself in a routine with expressing and feeding via this means. However, I was not happy, I felt like I had failed myself and when my milk dropped from 100ml down to just 60ml on Sunday I knew this wasn't going to last.

Monday we had to get Lily re-weighed as at her initial weighing on Friday she hadn't put on enough weight since her birth. I told her that my milk had dropped and that I was still expressing.  A little help from the midwife who spent a good 45 mins with us getting Lily back on the breast, went perfectly. Lily hadn't forgotten how to get on and even though she had a feed not long before the appointment, happily took some more from my breast.

Oh I was so relieved. Than I tried again at home on the night feed, which didn't go well at all. Hands and arms getting all in the way, Lily was just not playing ball with me. Both of us was just getting a right state, so bottle it was.

I didn't let that get to me though. I tried again this morning when she woke up for her feed, in plenty of time before I had to get up ready for school run. Which was great as I took my time with her. Yet it just didn't go like it had with the midwife. I managed to stop her hands and arms getting all in the way and she did sort of latch on but I just couldn't quiet get it and now my nipples are back to square one and very sore again. We did an hour on the breast, trying to latch on, having a feed on both but still lily was hungry. I guess she didn't get enough of my milk, as she drank the whole 90ml of formula I did for her after.

I had to express once since this morning due to my nipples still being a bit sore and my milk is definitely not producing a lot. I feel like I failed myself and now trapped in feeling like that is it, formula it is than.

Should I feel so bad about it? My partner has been great and tells me I have done so well, but I feel I just let myself down.